dear sister #7

"can jessica face life without elizabeth?" the line on the front reads. WOAH sweet valley metaphor to the MAX!

liz is in a coma, apparently that is what this book is supposed to be about according to everything that is written in the blurb - "horrible motorcycle accident", "lies in a coma", "without elizabeth, can life go on?" well it does indeed go on, liz is actually out of the coma by page 11.

but that is where this book truly begins! so liz comes out of the coma unscathed apart from one tiny thing - she has turned into JESSICA! liz starts acting like a total bitch, flirting with boys, stealing boyfriends, shopping for bikinis when she is meant to be helping make dip for the pool party - omg you are going to love this - jess makes a dip out of FRENCH ONION SOUP MIX! retro-gasm! while liz is out being generally irresponsible and slutty, jess is at home crying about it because SHE'S the one who's supposed to be generally irresponsible and slutty! LIFE IS NOT FAIR!

ok so the best bit is when all the kids from SVH go to lila's pick up party. omg this is so awesome, you have to go single, like even if you are dating someone, and lila prides herself on how many couples break up after one of her pick up parties - WHAT? ok, so liz goes single because she kicked todd to the curb right after she came out of the coma, such something jessica would do, except jessica marries him in the end GAH! DAMN YOU SWEET VALLEY CONFIDENTIAL! right so they are at lila's and guess who starts flirting with liz thinking that she is jess? only BRUCE PATMAN hottest guy on the planet! he gets pretty hot when he realises she is LIZ and not JESS because liz is like the only girl in the world who's been able to resist his charms, oh yeah and they end up together in the end of sweet valley confidential (ruinous) because bruce turns good and jess steals todd from liz. [HEAD EXPLODES].

ugh so where am i? yes ok we're at the party, liz is dancing with bruce and guess what? he gives her ALCOHOL! omg! she takes a swig from his flask behind a tree, and guess what? it's enough to make her pretty much paralytic. he touches her boob and then tries to take her to his HOUSE to do god knows what to her! :-O anyway, todd comes and saves her just moments before she passes out, there's a gal that can't hold her liquor.

next time liz 'aint so lucky, or she is. she goes willingly to bruce's house on the hill because his parents are out of town... while she is waiting in the "master bedroom" for him to bring the wine up she stands up for some reason and GUESS WHAT? she trips over, banging her head on the floor, and would you believe it, she has no memory of anything that has happened since she went into the coma and she is back to her normal boring sensible responsible self and runs straight back into todd's arms.

well, so that's sorted then.

playing with fire #3

so, after reading sweet valley confidential which ignited a fire of flaming, burning hatred for the "writer", "francine pascal" i was somewhat hesitant to continue with my reading of all the sweet valley high books ever written mission. could i ever read about todd again without thinking of him shagging jessica all day under liz's nose? could i ever revive my tween crush on steven now that i know he left his wife cara to bake in the kitchen only to be with aaron? it was a tough decision, but then i looked at all the svh books sitting unread on my bookshelf and decided yes. i paid 70p for those!

actually once i started this one it was fine, and worth way more than 70p. this was pure svh gold my friends. bruce patman love of my svh life stars as jessica's new bf. he is SUCH a jerk to her, making her skip classes, quit cheerleading, make out in the woods even though elizabeth has gone mental, he even gets tries to get her topless in the river! :-O

bruce is so cool with his 1BRUCE1 number plate on his black porsche like seriously. he is the richest and hottest guy on the planet so when jessica gives up her whole life, personality and everything she believes in (cheerleading and new wave outfits) to be with him it's like totally understandable.

liz is less than impressed and when she's not busy trying to follow the droids around (svh's most awesome rockband for those without the know, who have just found a manager who promises them the big time, but actually he is a JERK too and really just wants to get a date with the singer) she is trying to split up jess and bruce by badmouthing him at every opportunity and not really doing much else actually.

but every girl who has ever dated a JERK knows that you can only come to the realisation that you're dating a JERK by yourself no matter how many of your friends tell you that he is a JERK, and jessica does indeed come to  this realisation when she sees BRUCE at the pizza place with a gorgeous redhead. ok stop there, bruce cheats on jessica wakefield - the perfect blonde, tanned cheerleader with a gorgeous pale redhead? 100 POINTS FOR BRUCE! ok cheating is never ok, but it's refreshing to see a blonde get duped for a redhead once in a while.

jessica goes nuts of course and she pours a jug of soda over his head and throws an ENTIRE PIZZA into his face. 10 points for women's lib.

5 stars.

sweet valley confidential - ten years later

on a scale of one to completely horrible this book rates pretty high.

FRANCINE PASCAL WHAT THE HELL?

oh my god. this was awful. 

i'm not actually sure that francine pascal ever wrote any of the other sweet valley high books. this book was written by someone who has clearly no writing ability whatsoever. the grammar is disgraceful, the plot is full of holes, repetitive, strange and basically stupid.

so jessica comes to stay with elizabeth and todd who are about to get married and she spends her days shagging todd while elizabeth goes to work. WHAT? the whole point of SVH was that liz and jess were besties and had this connection that made every teen and pre-teen girl (and some boys) on the planet in the mid-late 80s/early 90s want to be a twin (and blonde and tanned and from california). like as if you would ever do that to your twin. ok so jess did shag todd in sweet valley university, but like, that was once and it was a mistake, and she like learned stuff from it and everything. at the age of 27 "love" is like the most pathetic excuse to shag your twin sister's fiance. 

the whole book is basically about elizabeth shagging random guys in nyc to try and get over todd and the whole thing is like an internal monologue about how each character "feels" about what is going on, and the "journey" elizabeth goes on from being totally destroyed by everyone she cared about to complete forgiveness - even to the point of turning up to jess and todd's wedding as the bridesmaid. WHAT?!!????

the only good thing about this book is bruce patman. bruce was always my favourite svh spunk even though he was such a dick. but it turns out he comes good in the end and is like the nicest guy in sweet valley. SWOON!

regardless, this was TERRIBLE and i am so PISSED about what "francine" has done.

steven is gay and winston dies. now you don't need to read it.

don't read it. 

EVER!