crash landing #20

omg, ok so like i KNOW i haven't been reading or blogging SVH and i'm pretty sure every single one of the approximately three awesome people who read this have been pretty freaking sad about it. sorry you guys.

you know what? i read crash landing AGES ago, like MONTHS ago... i somehow managed to convince my book club which has a penchant for lesbian fiction to read a sweet valley high book because, let's face it, everyone has a girl crush on jess. a couple of the ladies were heaps keen and i was heaps keen and then i went home and read the book THAT NIGHT (not really, i was already half way through it, that's why i suggested that one and it probably took me a week because i only read it on the bus) because i was so excited to have people to talk to about SVH!!

so of course i didn't want to do my blog straight away and ruin the book for people because you know i always put in so many SPOILERS but then i never ended up going to book club that week anyway so it didn't even matter in the end! darn it! and here i am MONTHS later trying to write an awesomely articulate, clever, hilarious, witty and like, really good blog and like totally STRUGGLING! (clearly).

BUT i think i'm getting back my SVH mojo and inspiration to read ALL OF THEM because this week i went to a tiny little town on an island and found a second hand book store that was totally amazing. it was like some really old big house that was just crammed full of old books. it took me about half an hour to find the kids/teen section but when i did find it i also found ELEVEN SVH books i haven't read! :-O WOWZERS! so exciting. that like never happens. actually, it happened once before. i had read a few of the ones they had though, so i left them at the front of all the shelves for someone else to joyfully discover!

BUT THIS POST WAS MEANT TO BE ABOUT CRASH LANDING!!! i hear you guys say (shout). SORRY! i totally forgot what happened in it!

i'm pretty sure it was something about enid and george going for a joy flight in a plane and it crashed and she nearly died and couldn't walk any more and then george felt bad because he was already secretly dating someone else but couldn't break up with enid because she couldn't get off the couch. the wakefields went out for mexican and ate enchiladas because the night before jess accidently gave everyone food poisoning. that was pretty much it i think. epic.

showdown #19

so basically what happens is that lila falls in love with a CONSTRUCTION WORKER! it's like the worst thing that's ever happened to her. jess is jels of the drama so SHE falls in love with THE SAME CONSTRUCTION WORKER!

the construction worker is a dude called jack, and like he's WAY TOO hot and awesome to actually just be a construction worker so jess and lila start digging to find out about his mystery past. he keeps talking about "holidays" and mentions that he once lived in a "house" so that totally MUST mean he's practically a PRINCE or something. jack goes along with it all, because, like why wouldn't you? he starts dating both lila AND jess, because like, they are best friends and they would never ever in a billion years be able to work out that they are both dating the same guy. no seriously, they actually DO NOT work out they are dating the same guy. lolwut?!

this goes on and on for quite some time. lila thinks she is going to marry him and jess just wants to get into his pants pretty much.

things get exciting when jess's popcorn money goes missing out on a date with the j-wreck to the movies. omg this awesome, she's in the cinema and is like "jack is probably the sort of guy who would think a girl paying for stuff is cool" so she offers to buy popcorn, but she CAN'T because jack has stolen her purse (we've all been there).

SO it all comes to a head when nicholas (regina's brother) suddenly remembers where he's seen jack before and that - JACK IS A PSYCHOPATH!!

his game is like stealing popcorn money, doing drugs, holding up chics at knife-point for popcorn money and STEALING PHOTOGRAPHS OF UNDERWATER CREATURES! oh MY!

jess finds all this out for herself when she goes snooping in his MEDICINE CABINET (we've all been there) and finds a box full of ALL SORTS of drugs! not just panadol either! when she comes back out with the box - because, we all know that's the way to deal with these things; bring to the attention of a PSYCHOPATH that you went through his stuff and found his stash. he ATTACKS her, and is about to carve her with a kitchen knife except that suddenly NICHOLAS MORROW is beating down the front door and saving her LIFE!!!

10 points for nicholas morrow for beating down a door.

1 point for jessica for living through another psychopathic kidnapping (how many are we up to??)

0 points for liz because she wasn't really in it.

4 stars (not enough drama). 

head over heels #18

head over heels is right indeedy! if you're talking about the way i feel about (SWOON!) bruce patman that is! the love of my sweet valley life falls in love for the first time and if it was with anyone but regina morrow i would be seriously annoyed, kind of like how i felt during sweet valley confidential about EVERYTHING!

i digress.

so bruce (SWOON!) falls in love with regina and everyone is like - what? regina?! but she's like DEAF! well hells yeah she's deaf, but you totally CANNOT tell because she learnt to lip read real good in special schools and because she can hear "tones" she can talk totally normally! most peeps down at the SVH campus think the whole thing is whack and that bruce is just an asshole in a nice shirt with a cute deaf girl on his arm and that's all it'll ever be, but GUESS WHAT you guys, bruce (SWO... ah you get my point!) proves you (not me, because i like totally get him) all wrong by giving up dinners in the mansion with regina so that she can go live in SWITZERLAND for a year and be cured of her deafness! because, kids, in sweet valley there 'aint nothin' a dude called dr. friederich can't fix if you got the right kind of cashola.

who's wondering what jess has been up to this whole time? she's out busy trying to sabotage bruce & regina's relationship because if she does then lila will TOTALLY write her term paper. super idea jess, except that everyone knows LILA CAN'T EVEN READ GOOD let alone write a passable history term paper and then when you get a D on your paper you will be like - GAH! got to make plans to steal lila's construction worker boyfriend! OMG SERIOUSLY? jess is also to be found during this book out in the fiat convertible crushing on boys who used to be deaf before they met dr. friederich which is pretty cool and really open minded of her really. probably this could be the most open minded we've seen jess, she should get some props here...

actually maybe not, only because of the bit where jess calls regina's house later and is like - "can i talk to regina please" and her mum is like "dude, regina is deaf y'all!" and jess is like "oh yeah! lolz!" whoops!

liz is so boringly annoying in this one she doesn't even make it into the blog.

1BRUCE1 forevs!

five stars. 

racing hearts #9

roger barrett is like a heaps fast runner. he runs around school and he runs to his cleaning job which NO ONE knows about, because if people like LILA (who roger is totes crushing on) knew that he was a cleaner she would be like - EW!

rog gets conned into running in "the bart" which is like this super prestigious race and the winner gets a scholarship to SVU (sweet valley university) except that he can't go to practice because it's on at the same time as his cleaning job WHICH just happens to be at the office in which mr wakefield works at! WHICH is totally bad luck because JESS just happens to get a job working for her dad after school at the same office and so she totally finds out about that rog cleans toilets! liz totally blackmails jess into not telling anyone because JESS is actually MACKING OUT with a dude from the office across the hallway like every other night and GUESS WHAT? he is only FIFTEEN!!! :-O jess finds out he is fifteen and is like WHAT? get out of here you underage JERK! jess! what!?

so rog gets all famous all over SVH because everyone finds out that even though he wears glasses he is secretly a JOCK on the inside and that makes him COOL as punch. lila decides he is totally worth pursuing now, that is until he tells her he cleans toilets and then she's like GO AWAY! EW! but it turns out OLIVIA has always been in love with rog and then he decides he is in love with her even though she wears weird outfits and kind of looks like a tree hugger.

4 stars. 

all night long #5

WOWZERS! jess sure has gotten herself into some trouble this time! even for jess this is TROUBLE!

jess falls for an older man with a MUSTACHE who drives a red FIREBIRD! his name is scott and he goes to COLLEGE!

all jess's friends are like "he goes to COLLEGE and he has a MUSTACHE, he only wants ONE THING from you jessica!" and jess is like - WHATEVER i am so going to a party with him down by the lake. so she dons her sexiest red string bikini and flounces off.

well guess what jessica wakefield?!! it turns out boys like scott daniels (and, says the moral of the story, ALL BOYS except todd wilkins) ARE only after one thing! scott daniels drinks, smokes pot and HAS SEX! and he wants to do all those things with jessica. she somehow gets out of it in usual jessica style and ends up sleeping on the floor in some shack instead. liz is like frantic because jessica didn't come home all night, but is pretty sure she's just drunk and passed out somewhere, which would be fine except it's a SCHOOL DAY!

so liz and todd start arguing because liz goes to school dressed as jess so jess doesn't get in trouble for skipping because she was still in some shack in the woods trying to work out how to do the walk of shame into school. WOW jessica, doing the walk of shame TO SCHOOL from a COLLEGE PARTY where you were hanging out with a guy who has a MUSTACHE?? sweet valley gold you guys.

and then there is a random surfing competition which has nothing to do with anything, but GOSH it is fun!

five stars.

bruce's story - super star #2

ok so we all know how i feel about bruce patman: he is HOT and he has a black PORSCHE and it's the 1980s! 'nuff said.

so we finally get a chance to hear "bruce's story" and decide for ourselves whether or not he's really the scum everyone thinks he is, well guess what?? he IS! AND he isn't!

roger moved into the p'dawg's mansion when he found out he was really a patman and not whatever he was before (WHO CARES?) and now grandfather patman (aka "alexander", who i will from now on refer to as "alex p" in honour of you know who if you know your 80s tv shows) wants to come over and "meet the new boy". lucky for alex p (grandfather patman) mum and dad patman decide to jet off to japan or somewhere for a month and leave the boys in alex p's old capable hands. alex p has this idea that instead of giving both the boys the business when he passes over that he's going to make them have a FIGHT TO THE DEATH for the company! he gives each kid $2000 and takes away all their own cash and cards (DEATH!) and decides whoever has more money left at the end of a month wins all the money in the WORLD!

SVH craziness ensues. bruce loses most of his during a poker game with dodgy guys and then crashed the porsche - OMG! and had to like pay for repairs. roger put all his money in "robotech" stocks which totally plummeted! but robotech sounded like a SURE THING rog!!

then a girl called tracy atkins cuts her hair. bruce has never noticed her before, but now that her hair is different he decides he's in love with her and starts following her around like a weirdo. not cool bruce. it turns out tracy has a little brother who goes to special school (OMG i work in a special school!!!) and it's about to CLOSE DOWN! but lucky tracy has an idea of how to save the school and recruits all the kids at SVH to help out with "harbour days" which is like a market thing and if you sell heaps of stuff you have to give half to the charity and then you can keep half to yourself.

OBVIOUSLY bruce gets in on this money making venture. he only wants to do it to make money and impress a girl though. kind of lame bruce, like hello these are special kids.

bruce and rog get into this thing where they try to destroy each other's ideas. bruce sells an awesome book called "bruce p's guide to dating" or something and sells bucketloads while rog's screen printing business gets washed out (ha!) due to bruce's quick exchange between waterproof and non-waterproof paint late night in the shed.

PHEW! it's not even over yet! let me uber-summarise the rest. so the boys continue to try to make sales at harbour days and tracy starts to think bruce is a jerk and then in the end bruce and rog give all their money to the special kids and the special school is SAVED! (<3 bruce!!!) alex p gets basically shunned by all the rich kids of sweet valley at his own birthday party for trying to turn his grandkids against each other and then everyone cheers and has a soda.

tracy and bruce decide to just be friends or something. 

kidnapped! #13

ok so like take a second to look at the art work here and try to work out what is going to happen... ps i like LOVE the SVH art work, which is by a guy called james mathewuse, check out: http://www.jimmyart.com/ to see all the other cool stuff he's done like the hardy boys and nancy drew and all sorts! what a genius.

so... LIZ GETS KIDNAPPED! OMG! some creepy guy with like mental issues kidnaps LIZ! not even JESS! like she's the one that usually gets into these messes... but liz is off playing good samaritan and working at the hospital as a candy striper on late shift while jess is walking around in her bikini in front of the new rich guy in town - nicholas morrow, that's right, REGINA's brother! remember regina? she's the one who dies later from taking cocaine like once after her therapy for being deaf finally works and she can hear again - FAR OUT!

so like jess is doing that, and liz is waking up tied to a chair and having a psycho like hand feeding her pancakes. sounds not so bad if you ask me, i mean apart from that he's a psycho, but as far as psychos go, he could've been a lot worse. in fact the only bad thing he really does to her is tie her to a chair. like really, when psychos kidnap blonde girls usually they aren't just doing it to tie them to a chair and make them pancakes, but whatever, it's sweet valley high and this is like the WORST thing that can happen in sweet valley! apart from bruce patman turning you down for a date, because that's like WAY WORSE!

anyway, in the end liz gets saved and jess is like - "i can't believe you had to wear that candy striper dress for like THREE days!" and that's really the whole book. i mean, it was good, like a real thriller... well you know, like a thriller for a non-thriller edition of a SVH thriller. gah, what?

not five stars, let's say it's like 4 stars.