rock star's girl #72

jamie peters is like the hottest most awesomest celebrity on the planet in 1991 and would you believe he has just bought the old kitterby masion just four houses down from lila's place? 

jessica and her cronies begin stalking him by hiding in the bushes by his pool and watching him walking around with his shirt off, when they aren't listening to his new cd that is. yes that's right, lila actually owns a CD PLAYER! jessica refuses to listen to tapes any more and goes to lila's place to listen to the one cd that she owns, which is of course jamie's new album "pride" which, although is a cd is still referred to as having "sides" - retro-gasm! of course listening to anything at lila's is hard these days since she's taken up the MARIMBA and to everyone's surprise is actually pretty good at it. 

meanwhile, liz makes friends with the new girl, andrea slade, who just moved to sweet valley from new york. everyone thinks she's hiding something because she always acts weird about people coming to her house and she won't tell anyone what her father does for a living.

while hiding out in the bushes one afternoon jessica and co see jamie peters AND andrea slade hanging out by the pool. of course the only explanation is that they are LOVERS! so she tells everyone and svh rumour mill madness ensues. 

of course they aren't lovers, svh was never that liberal. it turns out [SPOILER] that jamie is andrea's DAD!

ha ha ha! aren't you all silly? 

actually i thought this was all a bit weird, i mean everyone has the hots for andrea's dad? like if she's 16 he has to be at least like 34 right? pop stars in the early 90s were never that old. 

not the most dramatic work in the series. 

Pretenses #44

steven returns from college because he has allergies - total geek-gasm! we're off to a good start with #44. i will admit that of all the boys from svh i crush on steven the most. not only because i would one day like to marry into the wakefield family (it could still happen), but he's just so darn cute. especially when he has allergies. put that boy in a pair of rayban frames, have him not shave for a week and i'd consider him perfect. 

right, so a whole book about steven's allergies although quite enjoyable for a person like myself apparently required more. so, here we have a plot which is quite boring really, compared to cocaine over doses and being arrested for murder. it's really just about some silly anonymous love letters written to steven on some fancy floral stationary... except that it's HIS DEAD GIRLFRIEND'S stationary. OMG! so steven flips out, and is like - omg what is happening with this stationary? 

little does he know that cara, his alive girlfriend, has been taking relationship advice from jessica, who ps - has never actually really had a boyfriend unless you count sam who like died after their first date or something. jessica is like - your relationship needs more mystery or steven will get bored,  and cara is all like - yeah you are right jessica, because you know SO MUCH about relationships.

meanwhile, back at the wakefield ranch this new chic abbie has turned up to draw comics and be best friends with everyone. everyone likes her until like page 121 when they all go nuts about her trying to steal steven and writing mental letters to him so they kick her out and she's like - i didn't write those letters! SCREW YOU WAKEFIELDS!

blah blah some other stuff happens, everyone finds out that [SPOILER] cara (the alive one) wrote the letters and everyone is like HAHAHAHAH! hugs, makes up and then goes to a lakers game. 

probably only slightly less enjoyable than a whole book on steven's allergies, but for those who are interested it turns out he's allergic to mould, dust and grass.

love letters #17

ok SO not the best sweet valley book i've ever read. pretty boring really. compared to cheerleaders taking overdoses and drownings in france this was pretty tame. ridiculously tame. who wrote this? not francine pascal for sure. i'm assuming that the ghost writer responsible for this fiasco got kicked off the team, or conveniently shot in a hostage situation or drowned in a mysteriously leaking boat in the south of france...


poor caroline pearce, she's got red hair AND she doesn't have a boyfriend, kill yourself! oh finally a svh character i can relate to! WRONG! caroline pearce is an annoying little so and so who ruins everyone lives with her gossip mongering. i can't stand a book with such a stupid protagonist. little caz makes up that she has a boyfriend because no one likes her, and it TOTALLY WORKS! everyone wants to be her friend for like five minutes until everyone realises that she's made him up. but seriously, we've all had boyfriends we've made up, like that's not even that bad. in the end [SPOILER] elizabeth feels sorry for caroline with her red hair and all and so she gets one of todd's mates to pretend to be this guy she made up... of course she like comes clean at the end, because they always do in these american things, but the guy that was pretending to be the guy she made up actually wants to like mack out with her anyway and all the blonde girls are hells jealous. 


so what's the moral of the story? don't make up hot boyfriends or you might end up with a hot boyfriend? oh who's that knocking? oh is that my new hot boyfriend come over with roses and a puppy to take me on a date to france in a helicopter? 

hostage! #26

any book that has an exclamation mark in the title is ok by me. hostage! was pretty awesome. it was like dan brown had gone in a time machine back to 1986 and joined francine pascal's dream team of ghost writers for like a day. i'm assuming it only takes a day to write one, like it's taking me between an hour an half to two hours to read one.


this book was pretty sweet, it was like go-go-go from go to woah. regina morrow used to be deaf right, but then she went to switzerland to get this treatment that like makes her not-deaf any more (what?). and then while she's there she gets kidnapped and taken back to sweet valley because these criminals want her dad's microchip that he developed that is going to forever change the way we use computers (SO dan brown!)!


so jess and liz come up with all these mad schemes that involve delivering groceries in bruce's black porsche (oh yeah, i'm totes crushing on bruce right now) and hiding letters in fashion magazines and jess sluts it up for the criminal's son and kind of has a big crush on him because he looks SO decent in a crop top and short shorts! 


no one wins a prize for guessing that [SPOILER] everyone gets saved in the end, nicholas (hot brother of regina who like randomly makes out with liz in the fiat convertable when hiding from criminals) almost gets shot, but doesn't. the criminals go to jail and the hot son of said criminals is free "yay!" says jessica as she completely forgets about him and starts flirting with randoms at the "free from hostages party" the morrows have thrown at their mansion on the hill. it's like the best party EVER, not only is everyone alive, but like there is a rock band and cocktail franks! 


dan brown could put some more cocktail franks and red convertibles in his books i think.

wrong kind of girl #10

when "easy" annie whitman auditions for the cheerleading squad all hell breaks loose! jessica is like - "i am NOT having EASY annie on my cheerleading squad! everyone will think i'm easy!" the problem is that easy annie is a better cheerleader than jessica, and that makes her even MADDER! jess decides to just sabotage the whole thing and [SPOILER!] basically bribes the other cheerleaders into voting for sandra bacon (NOMS!!) even though she falls on her fat (not really, everyone in sweet valley is a size 6) ass during try-outs.

ok so this is where it gets AWESOME! [TOTAL SPOILER TO THE MAX!] so then annie goes home and TRIES TO KILL HERSELF because - holy shit, if you can't be in the sweet valley high cheerleading squad there is just no point in living!! so she's in hospital and then JESSICA comes in and she's like - OMG easy annie is in a freaking COMA and it's all my fault. so she cries and everyone runs out to comfort her because no one likes to see jess CRY! and they basically leave annie to die. 

[SPOILER] easy annie doesn't die though, because jessica stays up all night with her, and she's like - "annie, you can be in the cheerleading squad if you don't die" and then OH MY GOD annie WAKES UP! 

so easy annie gets on the cheerleading squad after all, her mum breaks up with her dead beat (possible paedo) boyfriend, annie realises that she has other things to live for apart from cheerleading (not really, because like what else is there?) and everyone lives happily ever after! YAY! NEXT!

the arrest #96

this was weird. like hells weird. it was only when i read the page at the end that said it was the second instalment of a "sensational six-part miniseries" that i questioned this decision to read every sweet valley high book ever written - in random order. 


so like liz gets arrested. and jess is pissed because liz like killed sam. so what i think happened (well, what i've deducted from using my mad sleuthing skillz i got from reading non-svh books about women detectives in the 1920s) is that liz and sam went driving after the prom but they were totally wasted because JESS - the mental - spiked their drinks - LOL! it's all fun and games till your BOYFRIEND DIES isn't it jessica?! anyway, jessica decides it's not her fault AT ALL, and thinks that liz should go to jail like FOREVER! it's so not fair that her boyfriend is DEAD and liz's boyfriend isn't! just to make a point she starts dating todd, liz's boyfriend, which is weird because todd is SO BORING. he gets the guilts over missing a CHESS DATE with his mate to suck face with jess on the beach, like who is this "todd" anyway? 


so while all that is happening, LILA is like meeting her mother for the first time since she was 2 and she's all freaking out, and like hello, but isn't lila supposed to be best friends with jessica who's boyfriend just died at the hands of her own twin sister (allegedly) and she spends this whole book working out what to wear to dinner. she's like the WORST best friend EVER! but jess doesn't even notice anyway, she's too grief stricken to do anything but mack out with her sister's boyfriend. OMG TOTAL grief you guys! and anyway, lila's dinner with mum SUCKS because she brings her french "boyfriend" along who is loud and obnoxious, wears a pink suit, has a ponytail, calls everyone darling and has a pearl earring. like, hello? really?


then there is this weird sub plot where this guy is on a tv dating show, and is like going on all these dates with random nut-jobs. like why is this happening? it's kind of obvious really, like HELLO obviously the guy who hosts HUNKS (yeah, that's what's it called) is the guy who KILLED SAM! or something.


and if that's not enough weird shit going on, then MARGOT turns up and she like [TOTAL SPOILER!!!!] MURDERS TWO PEOPLE!! 


like seriously, this book was only 200 pages. i'm like WHAT?


i'm kind of like - i should read these in order if i'm going to do it properly, but that means i have to read like 93 books before i find out what happens next on HUNKS. 

slam book fever #48

everyone's got the FEVER! the SLAM BOOK FEVER! omg! "what the eff is a slam book?" you may ask, well it's basically an excuse to bitch about everyone in BOOKS and make up heaps of crap and mess with everyone's lives! wheeee! 

jess goes nuts over a.j, (the new boy from austin) like she goes seriously nuts. she fancies his pants so hard core that she stuffs up the cheerleading PYRAMID at the basketball game just because he's watching her. poor jess doesn't know what to do, she's so used to treating boys like disposable rain ponchos that she hardly knows what to do when she actually like FALLS IN LOVE with one. 

meanwhile liz is fighting with jeff because she's all paranoid that he's got the hots for olivia, like EW! olivia has FRIZZY HAIR hello, she's so not going to get a hot boyfriend until they invent frizz-ease. but liz starts flirting with a.j to make jeff jealous and like jessica cries in her room a lot but is too distraught to tell anyone what's wrong! 

a.j FINALLY [SPOILER] starts paying attention to jessica and like asks her out on a date because he thinks she is quiet and shy and like reads books. jessica is like - liz help me! i don't know how to READ BOOKS! 

disaster shall ensue fo'sho when a.j finds out that jess is ILLITERATE! :-O