kidnapped! #13

ok so like take a second to look at the art work here and try to work out what is going to happen... ps i like LOVE the SVH art work, which is by a guy called james mathewuse, check out: http://www.jimmyart.com/ to see all the other cool stuff he's done like the hardy boys and nancy drew and all sorts! what a genius.

so... LIZ GETS KIDNAPPED! OMG! some creepy guy with like mental issues kidnaps LIZ! not even JESS! like she's the one that usually gets into these messes... but liz is off playing good samaritan and working at the hospital as a candy striper on late shift while jess is walking around in her bikini in front of the new rich guy in town - nicholas morrow, that's right, REGINA's brother! remember regina? she's the one who dies later from taking cocaine like once after her therapy for being deaf finally works and she can hear again - FAR OUT!

so like jess is doing that, and liz is waking up tied to a chair and having a psycho like hand feeding her pancakes. sounds not so bad if you ask me, i mean apart from that he's a psycho, but as far as psychos go, he could've been a lot worse. in fact the only bad thing he really does to her is tie her to a chair. like really, when psychos kidnap blonde girls usually they aren't just doing it to tie them to a chair and make them pancakes, but whatever, it's sweet valley high and this is like the WORST thing that can happen in sweet valley! apart from bruce patman turning you down for a date, because that's like WAY WORSE!

anyway, in the end liz gets saved and jess is like - "i can't believe you had to wear that candy striper dress for like THREE days!" and that's really the whole book. i mean, it was good, like a real thriller... well you know, like a thriller for a non-thriller edition of a SVH thriller. gah, what?

not five stars, let's say it's like 4 stars.

double love #1

the first book in the sweet valley series like EVER! omg! it was like so weird to read this one after i've read like 20 others, but WOW it was like SO AMAZING! and i can kind of see now why some of the really annoying horrible things happened in sweet valley confidential even though i still think it was horrible to write those things down on paper. type those things down on paper. whatever!

SO jessica likes todd because he is the star basketball player and she is head cheerleader, makes sense that they should be together hello! todd likes liz because she's not totally mental and self absorbed, but is still blonde and hot and even though she's a writer and she's like smart and stuff, she actually looks like a cheerleader - the PERFECT WOMAN y'all! LIZ likes todd because he's hot pretty much, and because he's like "such a nice guy" or some crap. really, todd is a dork in jock's clothing and i think we'll all agree there are like a billion better looking, richer, more interesting guys in SVH, but liz picks todd, even though she ends up with bruce patman in THE END!

anyway, this whole book is basically about jess making up TOTAL LIES so that she can get todd, like he calls their house and she's like "jessica is out on dates with hot boys" when really, jess is reading a book or cooking dinner even though it's jessica's turn AGAIN that lazy bitch! todd is a dick because he believes all this crap and ends up going to the dance with JESSICA even though he wants to go with liz, well, they like look the same so whatever!

it's only when liz and jess get car-jacked by a MANIAC (a guy that jessica went on a date with once, well she's been on a date with everyone pretty much once) and taken to a BAR! OMG! that todd comes along and saves them by punching out said maniac and then making out with LIZ! even though five pages earlier he was making out with jess... todd makes out with BOTH twins in ONE BOOK? what a skeeze. and what the hell are these girls doing? like if todd makes out with your twin do you still want to DATE him? like what is so great about todd anyway? does he drive a porsche? no. does he live on a mansion on a hill? no. is his name bruce patman? no. todd is so beige it makes me never want to read "todd's story", the whole book which is about todd, even though i promised myself i was going to read them all -  GAG ME!

anyway, this was great. five stars.

alone in the crowd #28

sweet valley high GOLD! lynne henry has brown hair and wears glasses so no one wants to be friends with her. she's basically the biggest no one at sweet valley because everyone else is blonde or if they are brunette they are at least rich to make up for it.

but lynne henry has a secret talent - she's a singer/songwriter who is capable of moving an audience to tears with her heartfelt songs about being a loser. so lynne falls in love with one of the guys who plays in the droids (svh's most awesome rock band) - guy chesney, and even though she is a glasses wearing loser he actually TALKS TO HER! OMG!

lynne enters a competition in which she has to write a song that the droids will basically steal because they can't be bothered writing their own songs... so she submits a song anonymously because god how awful would it be if someone thought she was more than just a dork! WHAT?

her song gets chosen as like the best song ever written, and guy chesney falls in love with the voice on the tape and goes in search of the mystery songwriter, and it turns out to be lynne! OMG! WHO decides to ask her mom for a makeover, because basically if you don't wear cool clothes, swap glasses for contacts, put on some make up and do something with your hair you will ALWAYS be a loser and never have guy chesney fall in love with you. guy chesney finds out that it was lynne who sang on the tape after liz stalks her at work. guy falls in love with her just after her make over so that's convenient, because really, guy chesney isn't going to want to be seen with someone in glasses and baggy t-shirts.

while all this is happening jessica is being a pain in everyone's ass as usual and plans this benefit for the cheerleaders because they need new skirts. she has this nutso idea to get a rocking chair in the gym and make all the cheerleaders take turns rocking on it for like 24 hours and call it - rock around the clock - and have the droids play like 50s music. it sounds weird, but actually it turns out really cool.

liz doesn't do much, but whatever, she's boring anyway.

5 stars. 

dear sister #7

"can jessica face life without elizabeth?" the line on the front reads. WOAH sweet valley metaphor to the MAX!

liz is in a coma, apparently that is what this book is supposed to be about according to everything that is written in the blurb - "horrible motorcycle accident", "lies in a coma", "without elizabeth, can life go on?" well it does indeed go on, liz is actually out of the coma by page 11.

but that is where this book truly begins! so liz comes out of the coma unscathed apart from one tiny thing - she has turned into JESSICA! liz starts acting like a total bitch, flirting with boys, stealing boyfriends, shopping for bikinis when she is meant to be helping make dip for the pool party - omg you are going to love this - jess makes a dip out of FRENCH ONION SOUP MIX! retro-gasm! while liz is out being generally irresponsible and slutty, jess is at home crying about it because SHE'S the one who's supposed to be generally irresponsible and slutty! LIFE IS NOT FAIR!

ok so the best bit is when all the kids from SVH go to lila's pick up party. omg this is so awesome, you have to go single, like even if you are dating someone, and lila prides herself on how many couples break up after one of her pick up parties - WHAT? ok, so liz goes single because she kicked todd to the curb right after she came out of the coma, such something jessica would do, except jessica marries him in the end GAH! DAMN YOU SWEET VALLEY CONFIDENTIAL! right so they are at lila's and guess who starts flirting with liz thinking that she is jess? only BRUCE PATMAN hottest guy on the planet! he gets pretty hot when he realises she is LIZ and not JESS because liz is like the only girl in the world who's been able to resist his charms, oh yeah and they end up together in the end of sweet valley confidential (ruinous) because bruce turns good and jess steals todd from liz. [HEAD EXPLODES].

ugh so where am i? yes ok we're at the party, liz is dancing with bruce and guess what? he gives her ALCOHOL! omg! she takes a swig from his flask behind a tree, and guess what? it's enough to make her pretty much paralytic. he touches her boob and then tries to take her to his HOUSE to do god knows what to her! :-O anyway, todd comes and saves her just moments before she passes out, there's a gal that can't hold her liquor.

next time liz 'aint so lucky, or she is. she goes willingly to bruce's house on the hill because his parents are out of town... while she is waiting in the "master bedroom" for him to bring the wine up she stands up for some reason and GUESS WHAT? she trips over, banging her head on the floor, and would you believe it, she has no memory of anything that has happened since she went into the coma and she is back to her normal boring sensible responsible self and runs straight back into todd's arms.

well, so that's sorted then.

playing with fire #3

so, after reading sweet valley confidential which ignited a fire of flaming, burning hatred for the "writer", "francine pascal" i was somewhat hesitant to continue with my reading of all the sweet valley high books ever written mission. could i ever read about todd again without thinking of him shagging jessica all day under liz's nose? could i ever revive my tween crush on steven now that i know he left his wife cara to bake in the kitchen only to be with aaron? it was a tough decision, but then i looked at all the svh books sitting unread on my bookshelf and decided yes. i paid 70p for those!

actually once i started this one it was fine, and worth way more than 70p. this was pure svh gold my friends. bruce patman love of my svh life stars as jessica's new bf. he is SUCH a jerk to her, making her skip classes, quit cheerleading, make out in the woods even though elizabeth has gone mental, he even gets tries to get her topless in the river! :-O

bruce is so cool with his 1BRUCE1 number plate on his black porsche like seriously. he is the richest and hottest guy on the planet so when jessica gives up her whole life, personality and everything she believes in (cheerleading and new wave outfits) to be with him it's like totally understandable.

liz is less than impressed and when she's not busy trying to follow the droids around (svh's most awesome rockband for those without the know, who have just found a manager who promises them the big time, but actually he is a JERK too and really just wants to get a date with the singer) she is trying to split up jess and bruce by badmouthing him at every opportunity and not really doing much else actually.

but every girl who has ever dated a JERK knows that you can only come to the realisation that you're dating a JERK by yourself no matter how many of your friends tell you that he is a JERK, and jessica does indeed come to  this realisation when she sees BRUCE at the pizza place with a gorgeous redhead. ok stop there, bruce cheats on jessica wakefield - the perfect blonde, tanned cheerleader with a gorgeous pale redhead? 100 POINTS FOR BRUCE! ok cheating is never ok, but it's refreshing to see a blonde get duped for a redhead once in a while.

jessica goes nuts of course and she pours a jug of soda over his head and throws an ENTIRE PIZZA into his face. 10 points for women's lib.

5 stars.

sweet valley confidential - ten years later

on a scale of one to completely horrible this book rates pretty high.

FRANCINE PASCAL WHAT THE HELL?

oh my god. this was awful. 

i'm not actually sure that francine pascal ever wrote any of the other sweet valley high books. this book was written by someone who has clearly no writing ability whatsoever. the grammar is disgraceful, the plot is full of holes, repetitive, strange and basically stupid.

so jessica comes to stay with elizabeth and todd who are about to get married and she spends her days shagging todd while elizabeth goes to work. WHAT? the whole point of SVH was that liz and jess were besties and had this connection that made every teen and pre-teen girl (and some boys) on the planet in the mid-late 80s/early 90s want to be a twin (and blonde and tanned and from california). like as if you would ever do that to your twin. ok so jess did shag todd in sweet valley university, but like, that was once and it was a mistake, and she like learned stuff from it and everything. at the age of 27 "love" is like the most pathetic excuse to shag your twin sister's fiance. 

the whole book is basically about elizabeth shagging random guys in nyc to try and get over todd and the whole thing is like an internal monologue about how each character "feels" about what is going on, and the "journey" elizabeth goes on from being totally destroyed by everyone she cared about to complete forgiveness - even to the point of turning up to jess and todd's wedding as the bridesmaid. WHAT?!!????

the only good thing about this book is bruce patman. bruce was always my favourite svh spunk even though he was such a dick. but it turns out he comes good in the end and is like the nicest guy in sweet valley. SWOON!

regardless, this was TERRIBLE and i am so PISSED about what "francine" has done.

steven is gay and winston dies. now you don't need to read it.

don't read it. 

EVER!

rock star's girl #72

jamie peters is like the hottest most awesomest celebrity on the planet in 1991 and would you believe he has just bought the old kitterby masion just four houses down from lila's place? 

jessica and her cronies begin stalking him by hiding in the bushes by his pool and watching him walking around with his shirt off, when they aren't listening to his new cd that is. yes that's right, lila actually owns a CD PLAYER! jessica refuses to listen to tapes any more and goes to lila's place to listen to the one cd that she owns, which is of course jamie's new album "pride" which, although is a cd is still referred to as having "sides" - retro-gasm! of course listening to anything at lila's is hard these days since she's taken up the MARIMBA and to everyone's surprise is actually pretty good at it. 

meanwhile, liz makes friends with the new girl, andrea slade, who just moved to sweet valley from new york. everyone thinks she's hiding something because she always acts weird about people coming to her house and she won't tell anyone what her father does for a living.

while hiding out in the bushes one afternoon jessica and co see jamie peters AND andrea slade hanging out by the pool. of course the only explanation is that they are LOVERS! so she tells everyone and svh rumour mill madness ensues. 

of course they aren't lovers, svh was never that liberal. it turns out [SPOILER] that jamie is andrea's DAD!

ha ha ha! aren't you all silly? 

actually i thought this was all a bit weird, i mean everyone has the hots for andrea's dad? like if she's 16 he has to be at least like 34 right? pop stars in the early 90s were never that old. 

not the most dramatic work in the series.