all night long #5

WOWZERS! jess sure has gotten herself into some trouble this time! even for jess this is TROUBLE!

jess falls for an older man with a MUSTACHE who drives a red FIREBIRD! his name is scott and he goes to COLLEGE!

all jess's friends are like "he goes to COLLEGE and he has a MUSTACHE, he only wants ONE THING from you jessica!" and jess is like - WHATEVER i am so going to a party with him down by the lake. so she dons her sexiest red string bikini and flounces off.

well guess what jessica wakefield?!! it turns out boys like scott daniels (and, says the moral of the story, ALL BOYS except todd wilkins) ARE only after one thing! scott daniels drinks, smokes pot and HAS SEX! and he wants to do all those things with jessica. she somehow gets out of it in usual jessica style and ends up sleeping on the floor in some shack instead. liz is like frantic because jessica didn't come home all night, but is pretty sure she's just drunk and passed out somewhere, which would be fine except it's a SCHOOL DAY!

so liz and todd start arguing because liz goes to school dressed as jess so jess doesn't get in trouble for skipping because she was still in some shack in the woods trying to work out how to do the walk of shame into school. WOW jessica, doing the walk of shame TO SCHOOL from a COLLEGE PARTY where you were hanging out with a guy who has a MUSTACHE?? sweet valley gold you guys.

and then there is a random surfing competition which has nothing to do with anything, but GOSH it is fun!

five stars.

bruce's story - super star #2

ok so we all know how i feel about bruce patman: he is HOT and he has a black PORSCHE and it's the 1980s! 'nuff said.

so we finally get a chance to hear "bruce's story" and decide for ourselves whether or not he's really the scum everyone thinks he is, well guess what?? he IS! AND he isn't!

roger moved into the p'dawg's mansion when he found out he was really a patman and not whatever he was before (WHO CARES?) and now grandfather patman (aka "alexander", who i will from now on refer to as "alex p" in honour of you know who if you know your 80s tv shows) wants to come over and "meet the new boy". lucky for alex p (grandfather patman) mum and dad patman decide to jet off to japan or somewhere for a month and leave the boys in alex p's old capable hands. alex p has this idea that instead of giving both the boys the business when he passes over that he's going to make them have a FIGHT TO THE DEATH for the company! he gives each kid $2000 and takes away all their own cash and cards (DEATH!) and decides whoever has more money left at the end of a month wins all the money in the WORLD!

SVH craziness ensues. bruce loses most of his during a poker game with dodgy guys and then crashed the porsche - OMG! and had to like pay for repairs. roger put all his money in "robotech" stocks which totally plummeted! but robotech sounded like a SURE THING rog!!

then a girl called tracy atkins cuts her hair. bruce has never noticed her before, but now that her hair is different he decides he's in love with her and starts following her around like a weirdo. not cool bruce. it turns out tracy has a little brother who goes to special school (OMG i work in a special school!!!) and it's about to CLOSE DOWN! but lucky tracy has an idea of how to save the school and recruits all the kids at SVH to help out with "harbour days" which is like a market thing and if you sell heaps of stuff you have to give half to the charity and then you can keep half to yourself.

OBVIOUSLY bruce gets in on this money making venture. he only wants to do it to make money and impress a girl though. kind of lame bruce, like hello these are special kids.

bruce and rog get into this thing where they try to destroy each other's ideas. bruce sells an awesome book called "bruce p's guide to dating" or something and sells bucketloads while rog's screen printing business gets washed out (ha!) due to bruce's quick exchange between waterproof and non-waterproof paint late night in the shed.

PHEW! it's not even over yet! let me uber-summarise the rest. so the boys continue to try to make sales at harbour days and tracy starts to think bruce is a jerk and then in the end bruce and rog give all their money to the special kids and the special school is SAVED! (<3 bruce!!!) alex p gets basically shunned by all the rich kids of sweet valley at his own birthday party for trying to turn his grandkids against each other and then everyone cheers and has a soda.

tracy and bruce decide to just be friends or something.