hostage! #26

any book that has an exclamation mark in the title is ok by me. hostage! was pretty awesome. it was like dan brown had gone in a time machine back to 1986 and joined francine pascal's dream team of ghost writers for like a day. i'm assuming it only takes a day to write one, like it's taking me between an hour an half to two hours to read one.


this book was pretty sweet, it was like go-go-go from go to woah. regina morrow used to be deaf right, but then she went to switzerland to get this treatment that like makes her not-deaf any more (what?). and then while she's there she gets kidnapped and taken back to sweet valley because these criminals want her dad's microchip that he developed that is going to forever change the way we use computers (SO dan brown!)!


so jess and liz come up with all these mad schemes that involve delivering groceries in bruce's black porsche (oh yeah, i'm totes crushing on bruce right now) and hiding letters in fashion magazines and jess sluts it up for the criminal's son and kind of has a big crush on him because he looks SO decent in a crop top and short shorts! 


no one wins a prize for guessing that [SPOILER] everyone gets saved in the end, nicholas (hot brother of regina who like randomly makes out with liz in the fiat convertable when hiding from criminals) almost gets shot, but doesn't. the criminals go to jail and the hot son of said criminals is free "yay!" says jessica as she completely forgets about him and starts flirting with randoms at the "free from hostages party" the morrows have thrown at their mansion on the hill. it's like the best party EVER, not only is everyone alive, but like there is a rock band and cocktail franks! 


dan brown could put some more cocktail franks and red convertibles in his books i think.

wrong kind of girl #10

when "easy" annie whitman auditions for the cheerleading squad all hell breaks loose! jessica is like - "i am NOT having EASY annie on my cheerleading squad! everyone will think i'm easy!" the problem is that easy annie is a better cheerleader than jessica, and that makes her even MADDER! jess decides to just sabotage the whole thing and [SPOILER!] basically bribes the other cheerleaders into voting for sandra bacon (NOMS!!) even though she falls on her fat (not really, everyone in sweet valley is a size 6) ass during try-outs.

ok so this is where it gets AWESOME! [TOTAL SPOILER TO THE MAX!] so then annie goes home and TRIES TO KILL HERSELF because - holy shit, if you can't be in the sweet valley high cheerleading squad there is just no point in living!! so she's in hospital and then JESSICA comes in and she's like - OMG easy annie is in a freaking COMA and it's all my fault. so she cries and everyone runs out to comfort her because no one likes to see jess CRY! and they basically leave annie to die. 

[SPOILER] easy annie doesn't die though, because jessica stays up all night with her, and she's like - "annie, you can be in the cheerleading squad if you don't die" and then OH MY GOD annie WAKES UP! 

so easy annie gets on the cheerleading squad after all, her mum breaks up with her dead beat (possible paedo) boyfriend, annie realises that she has other things to live for apart from cheerleading (not really, because like what else is there?) and everyone lives happily ever after! YAY! NEXT!

the arrest #96

this was weird. like hells weird. it was only when i read the page at the end that said it was the second instalment of a "sensational six-part miniseries" that i questioned this decision to read every sweet valley high book ever written - in random order. 


so like liz gets arrested. and jess is pissed because liz like killed sam. so what i think happened (well, what i've deducted from using my mad sleuthing skillz i got from reading non-svh books about women detectives in the 1920s) is that liz and sam went driving after the prom but they were totally wasted because JESS - the mental - spiked their drinks - LOL! it's all fun and games till your BOYFRIEND DIES isn't it jessica?! anyway, jessica decides it's not her fault AT ALL, and thinks that liz should go to jail like FOREVER! it's so not fair that her boyfriend is DEAD and liz's boyfriend isn't! just to make a point she starts dating todd, liz's boyfriend, which is weird because todd is SO BORING. he gets the guilts over missing a CHESS DATE with his mate to suck face with jess on the beach, like who is this "todd" anyway? 


so while all that is happening, LILA is like meeting her mother for the first time since she was 2 and she's all freaking out, and like hello, but isn't lila supposed to be best friends with jessica who's boyfriend just died at the hands of her own twin sister (allegedly) and she spends this whole book working out what to wear to dinner. she's like the WORST best friend EVER! but jess doesn't even notice anyway, she's too grief stricken to do anything but mack out with her sister's boyfriend. OMG TOTAL grief you guys! and anyway, lila's dinner with mum SUCKS because she brings her french "boyfriend" along who is loud and obnoxious, wears a pink suit, has a ponytail, calls everyone darling and has a pearl earring. like, hello? really?


then there is this weird sub plot where this guy is on a tv dating show, and is like going on all these dates with random nut-jobs. like why is this happening? it's kind of obvious really, like HELLO obviously the guy who hosts HUNKS (yeah, that's what's it called) is the guy who KILLED SAM! or something.


and if that's not enough weird shit going on, then MARGOT turns up and she like [TOTAL SPOILER!!!!] MURDERS TWO PEOPLE!! 


like seriously, this book was only 200 pages. i'm like WHAT?


i'm kind of like - i should read these in order if i'm going to do it properly, but that means i have to read like 93 books before i find out what happens next on HUNKS. 

slam book fever #48

everyone's got the FEVER! the SLAM BOOK FEVER! omg! "what the eff is a slam book?" you may ask, well it's basically an excuse to bitch about everyone in BOOKS and make up heaps of crap and mess with everyone's lives! wheeee! 

jess goes nuts over a.j, (the new boy from austin) like she goes seriously nuts. she fancies his pants so hard core that she stuffs up the cheerleading PYRAMID at the basketball game just because he's watching her. poor jess doesn't know what to do, she's so used to treating boys like disposable rain ponchos that she hardly knows what to do when she actually like FALLS IN LOVE with one. 

meanwhile liz is fighting with jeff because she's all paranoid that he's got the hots for olivia, like EW! olivia has FRIZZY HAIR hello, she's so not going to get a hot boyfriend until they invent frizz-ease. but liz starts flirting with a.j to make jeff jealous and like jessica cries in her room a lot but is too distraught to tell anyone what's wrong! 

a.j FINALLY [SPOILER] starts paying attention to jessica and like asks her out on a date because he thinks she is quiet and shy and like reads books. jessica is like - liz help me! i don't know how to READ BOOKS! 

disaster shall ensue fo'sho when a.j finds out that jess is ILLITERATE! :-O 

the new jessica #32

so this one is pretty dramatic. it all starts when jessica gets pissed off because elizabeth's new boyfriend jeffrey confuses the two of them. instead of trying to steal him (well she does later in the book actually) she DYES HER HAIR BLACK like a total pre-emo! everyone thinks she looks amazing and like "european" in her new clothes that she bought at the mall on credit to go with her new hair colour (hey, we all know what it's like to change your hair colour and realise that you can't wear any of your clothes any more!). liz is the only one who's goat has been gotten. she thinks jess dyed her hair black because she didn't want to be a twin any more and she gets all crazy-style and picks fights with jeffrey and pretty much breaks up with him because he said that jess's hair looked nice, and then she's in a panic because she lost her diary at school, like hello elizabeth, why are you writing all your personal thoughts in a diary and taking it to school? lucky your diary is like TOTALLY BORING!


meanwhile, jess joins a modelling agency because now she's an emo and she's stopped eating lunch so she's like totally hot and skinny. [SPOILER!] she doesn't end up getting the job, what happens is that LIZ gets the job because they want someone blonde. jess is absolutely FURIOUS and so she washes her hair like once and all the black dye comes out (i guess hair dye wasn't so advanced in the 80s, because like black over natural blonde?) but it works out perfectly because she can do the modelling gig the next day with her blonde hair pretending to be liz. but then the guy running the fashion show finds out anyway and doesn't really care because he just wanted a hot blonde and that was what he got, but then at the last minute he asks liz to be in the show too but he doesn't pay her! EXTORTION! 


i wish there was more hair dying in sweet valley.

ten years on?

sweet valley confidential has just been released this week. i have mixed feelings about this. do i really want to know what jessica and elizabeth would be doing now? can't i just pretend they lived happily ever after? can't they just be trapped in the 80s for ALL OF ETERNITY? i had decided that i was not going to read it, and ignore all the hype and whatever about the new book, but then i like won a proof copy via the facebook page. the update on my feed was "if you saw jessica and elizabeth walking down the street what would you say to them? best 10 answers win a proof copy!" so i suggested that jessica and i should go drink ourselves into a stupor and leave elizabeth at home. apparently the standard of entries was quite low because i won.  


anyway, check this out, it's francine pascal's HOUSE! OMG! link: francine pascal's house!

spring break - super edition #3

it's amazing how much can happen in just 10 days in france when you're like blonde and american! liz gets followed by a stray dog who belongs to a crazy old countess with a gorgeous grandson who is like uber rich and totally hot. liz is semi-up for it, but she has a crush on rene, her home stay family's son, even though he is a total JERK because he thinks americans are morons. jess meets this not-hot guy, marc who is like so not hot, but he drives a porsche and his parents belong to some like exclusive beach club so jessica befriends him in the hopes that he might have some hotter friends or some richer ones or something.

meanwhile back in sweet valley steven has fallen in love with ferney, rene's sister who is staying with the wakefields. ferney is the spitting image of his girlfriend who just died and he's like hanging out with her all the time which is making cara, his actual girlfriend totally pissed off! 

then back in france again and jessica falls in love with jean-claude (the old crazy countess's grandson) and pretends to be liz so she can make out with him in a boat! and then the boat gets caught in a storm and everyone almost dies!! :-O

seriously, what other book IN THE WORLD can fit this much drama into 200 pages? like none. five stars.

kidnapped by the cult! #82

ok so like jessica starts dressing like a social worker and everyone like freaks out! like she's wearing brown and she starts doing good deeds, like cooking breakfast omg! 

so it turns out that she was so annoyed with sam and having to stand in the mud watching his dirt bike races (even though he is like seriously cute) that she joined a cult. she really only did it because the cult leader was like heaps hot and didn't make her stand in mud AT ALL!! the only way to save jess [SPOILER!] is for liz to dress like a social worker and go round there and sort. it. out. 


this book is hilarious. it's witty and clever, and treads the finest of lines between taking the piss and taking itself to the max. this book took me to the max. i was like laughing hysterically reading it on the tube. people were like - omg what is she reading? where can i get a copy of that fine piece of liter-at-ure?! well, actually you can get it on amazon.co.uk for 1p. OMG! :-O

back in the valley

ok, i'm going to like read (re-read) every sweet valley high book ever written apart from sweet valley twins, because hello i'm not like 12. 

so i'm starting my sweet valley high blog. the first thing i have to do is stop reading other sweet valley high blogs or my opinions may be peer pressurised. i spend most of my time on-line reading sweet valley high blogs so like this is going to be tough, but like, totally worth it right? surely few things in life can satisfy a person more than writing entries in a sweet valley high blog. 

so like, welcome back to sweet valley you guys!