racing hearts #9

roger barrett is like a heaps fast runner. he runs around school and he runs to his cleaning job which NO ONE knows about, because if people like LILA (who roger is totes crushing on) knew that he was a cleaner she would be like - EW!

rog gets conned into running in "the bart" which is like this super prestigious race and the winner gets a scholarship to SVU (sweet valley university) except that he can't go to practice because it's on at the same time as his cleaning job WHICH just happens to be at the office in which mr wakefield works at! WHICH is totally bad luck because JESS just happens to get a job working for her dad after school at the same office and so she totally finds out about that rog cleans toilets! liz totally blackmails jess into not telling anyone because JESS is actually MACKING OUT with a dude from the office across the hallway like every other night and GUESS WHAT? he is only FIFTEEN!!! :-O jess finds out he is fifteen and is like WHAT? get out of here you underage JERK! jess! what!?

so rog gets all famous all over SVH because everyone finds out that even though he wears glasses he is secretly a JOCK on the inside and that makes him COOL as punch. lila decides he is totally worth pursuing now, that is until he tells her he cleans toilets and then she's like GO AWAY! EW! but it turns out OLIVIA has always been in love with rog and then he decides he is in love with her even though she wears weird outfits and kind of looks like a tree hugger.

4 stars. 

all night long #5

WOWZERS! jess sure has gotten herself into some trouble this time! even for jess this is TROUBLE!

jess falls for an older man with a MUSTACHE who drives a red FIREBIRD! his name is scott and he goes to COLLEGE!

all jess's friends are like "he goes to COLLEGE and he has a MUSTACHE, he only wants ONE THING from you jessica!" and jess is like - WHATEVER i am so going to a party with him down by the lake. so she dons her sexiest red string bikini and flounces off.

well guess what jessica wakefield?!! it turns out boys like scott daniels (and, says the moral of the story, ALL BOYS except todd wilkins) ARE only after one thing! scott daniels drinks, smokes pot and HAS SEX! and he wants to do all those things with jessica. she somehow gets out of it in usual jessica style and ends up sleeping on the floor in some shack instead. liz is like frantic because jessica didn't come home all night, but is pretty sure she's just drunk and passed out somewhere, which would be fine except it's a SCHOOL DAY!

so liz and todd start arguing because liz goes to school dressed as jess so jess doesn't get in trouble for skipping because she was still in some shack in the woods trying to work out how to do the walk of shame into school. WOW jessica, doing the walk of shame TO SCHOOL from a COLLEGE PARTY where you were hanging out with a guy who has a MUSTACHE?? sweet valley gold you guys.

and then there is a random surfing competition which has nothing to do with anything, but GOSH it is fun!

five stars.

bruce's story - super star #2

ok so we all know how i feel about bruce patman: he is HOT and he has a black PORSCHE and it's the 1980s! 'nuff said.

so we finally get a chance to hear "bruce's story" and decide for ourselves whether or not he's really the scum everyone thinks he is, well guess what?? he IS! AND he isn't!

roger moved into the p'dawg's mansion when he found out he was really a patman and not whatever he was before (WHO CARES?) and now grandfather patman (aka "alexander", who i will from now on refer to as "alex p" in honour of you know who if you know your 80s tv shows) wants to come over and "meet the new boy". lucky for alex p (grandfather patman) mum and dad patman decide to jet off to japan or somewhere for a month and leave the boys in alex p's old capable hands. alex p has this idea that instead of giving both the boys the business when he passes over that he's going to make them have a FIGHT TO THE DEATH for the company! he gives each kid $2000 and takes away all their own cash and cards (DEATH!) and decides whoever has more money left at the end of a month wins all the money in the WORLD!

SVH craziness ensues. bruce loses most of his during a poker game with dodgy guys and then crashed the porsche - OMG! and had to like pay for repairs. roger put all his money in "robotech" stocks which totally plummeted! but robotech sounded like a SURE THING rog!!

then a girl called tracy atkins cuts her hair. bruce has never noticed her before, but now that her hair is different he decides he's in love with her and starts following her around like a weirdo. not cool bruce. it turns out tracy has a little brother who goes to special school (OMG i work in a special school!!!) and it's about to CLOSE DOWN! but lucky tracy has an idea of how to save the school and recruits all the kids at SVH to help out with "harbour days" which is like a market thing and if you sell heaps of stuff you have to give half to the charity and then you can keep half to yourself.

OBVIOUSLY bruce gets in on this money making venture. he only wants to do it to make money and impress a girl though. kind of lame bruce, like hello these are special kids.

bruce and rog get into this thing where they try to destroy each other's ideas. bruce sells an awesome book called "bruce p's guide to dating" or something and sells bucketloads while rog's screen printing business gets washed out (ha!) due to bruce's quick exchange between waterproof and non-waterproof paint late night in the shed.

PHEW! it's not even over yet! let me uber-summarise the rest. so the boys continue to try to make sales at harbour days and tracy starts to think bruce is a jerk and then in the end bruce and rog give all their money to the special kids and the special school is SAVED! (<3 bruce!!!) alex p gets basically shunned by all the rich kids of sweet valley at his own birthday party for trying to turn his grandkids against each other and then everyone cheers and has a soda.

tracy and bruce decide to just be friends or something. 

kidnapped! #13

ok so like take a second to look at the art work here and try to work out what is going to happen... ps i like LOVE the SVH art work, which is by a guy called james mathewuse, check out: http://www.jimmyart.com/ to see all the other cool stuff he's done like the hardy boys and nancy drew and all sorts! what a genius.

so... LIZ GETS KIDNAPPED! OMG! some creepy guy with like mental issues kidnaps LIZ! not even JESS! like she's the one that usually gets into these messes... but liz is off playing good samaritan and working at the hospital as a candy striper on late shift while jess is walking around in her bikini in front of the new rich guy in town - nicholas morrow, that's right, REGINA's brother! remember regina? she's the one who dies later from taking cocaine like once after her therapy for being deaf finally works and she can hear again - FAR OUT!

so like jess is doing that, and liz is waking up tied to a chair and having a psycho like hand feeding her pancakes. sounds not so bad if you ask me, i mean apart from that he's a psycho, but as far as psychos go, he could've been a lot worse. in fact the only bad thing he really does to her is tie her to a chair. like really, when psychos kidnap blonde girls usually they aren't just doing it to tie them to a chair and make them pancakes, but whatever, it's sweet valley high and this is like the WORST thing that can happen in sweet valley! apart from bruce patman turning you down for a date, because that's like WAY WORSE!

anyway, in the end liz gets saved and jess is like - "i can't believe you had to wear that candy striper dress for like THREE days!" and that's really the whole book. i mean, it was good, like a real thriller... well you know, like a thriller for a non-thriller edition of a SVH thriller. gah, what?

not five stars, let's say it's like 4 stars.

double love #1

the first book in the sweet valley series like EVER! omg! it was like so weird to read this one after i've read like 20 others, but WOW it was like SO AMAZING! and i can kind of see now why some of the really annoying horrible things happened in sweet valley confidential even though i still think it was horrible to write those things down on paper. type those things down on paper. whatever!

SO jessica likes todd because he is the star basketball player and she is head cheerleader, makes sense that they should be together hello! todd likes liz because she's not totally mental and self absorbed, but is still blonde and hot and even though she's a writer and she's like smart and stuff, she actually looks like a cheerleader - the PERFECT WOMAN y'all! LIZ likes todd because he's hot pretty much, and because he's like "such a nice guy" or some crap. really, todd is a dork in jock's clothing and i think we'll all agree there are like a billion better looking, richer, more interesting guys in SVH, but liz picks todd, even though she ends up with bruce patman in THE END!

anyway, this whole book is basically about jess making up TOTAL LIES so that she can get todd, like he calls their house and she's like "jessica is out on dates with hot boys" when really, jess is reading a book or cooking dinner even though it's jessica's turn AGAIN that lazy bitch! todd is a dick because he believes all this crap and ends up going to the dance with JESSICA even though he wants to go with liz, well, they like look the same so whatever!

it's only when liz and jess get car-jacked by a MANIAC (a guy that jessica went on a date with once, well she's been on a date with everyone pretty much once) and taken to a BAR! OMG! that todd comes along and saves them by punching out said maniac and then making out with LIZ! even though five pages earlier he was making out with jess... todd makes out with BOTH twins in ONE BOOK? what a skeeze. and what the hell are these girls doing? like if todd makes out with your twin do you still want to DATE him? like what is so great about todd anyway? does he drive a porsche? no. does he live on a mansion on a hill? no. is his name bruce patman? no. todd is so beige it makes me never want to read "todd's story", the whole book which is about todd, even though i promised myself i was going to read them all -  GAG ME!

anyway, this was great. five stars.

alone in the crowd #28

sweet valley high GOLD! lynne henry has brown hair and wears glasses so no one wants to be friends with her. she's basically the biggest no one at sweet valley because everyone else is blonde or if they are brunette they are at least rich to make up for it.

but lynne henry has a secret talent - she's a singer/songwriter who is capable of moving an audience to tears with her heartfelt songs about being a loser. so lynne falls in love with one of the guys who plays in the droids (svh's most awesome rock band) - guy chesney, and even though she is a glasses wearing loser he actually TALKS TO HER! OMG!

lynne enters a competition in which she has to write a song that the droids will basically steal because they can't be bothered writing their own songs... so she submits a song anonymously because god how awful would it be if someone thought she was more than just a dork! WHAT?

her song gets chosen as like the best song ever written, and guy chesney falls in love with the voice on the tape and goes in search of the mystery songwriter, and it turns out to be lynne! OMG! WHO decides to ask her mom for a makeover, because basically if you don't wear cool clothes, swap glasses for contacts, put on some make up and do something with your hair you will ALWAYS be a loser and never have guy chesney fall in love with you. guy chesney finds out that it was lynne who sang on the tape after liz stalks her at work. guy falls in love with her just after her make over so that's convenient, because really, guy chesney isn't going to want to be seen with someone in glasses and baggy t-shirts.

while all this is happening jessica is being a pain in everyone's ass as usual and plans this benefit for the cheerleaders because they need new skirts. she has this nutso idea to get a rocking chair in the gym and make all the cheerleaders take turns rocking on it for like 24 hours and call it - rock around the clock - and have the droids play like 50s music. it sounds weird, but actually it turns out really cool.

liz doesn't do much, but whatever, she's boring anyway.

5 stars. 

dear sister #7

"can jessica face life without elizabeth?" the line on the front reads. WOAH sweet valley metaphor to the MAX!

liz is in a coma, apparently that is what this book is supposed to be about according to everything that is written in the blurb - "horrible motorcycle accident", "lies in a coma", "without elizabeth, can life go on?" well it does indeed go on, liz is actually out of the coma by page 11.

but that is where this book truly begins! so liz comes out of the coma unscathed apart from one tiny thing - she has turned into JESSICA! liz starts acting like a total bitch, flirting with boys, stealing boyfriends, shopping for bikinis when she is meant to be helping make dip for the pool party - omg you are going to love this - jess makes a dip out of FRENCH ONION SOUP MIX! retro-gasm! while liz is out being generally irresponsible and slutty, jess is at home crying about it because SHE'S the one who's supposed to be generally irresponsible and slutty! LIFE IS NOT FAIR!

ok so the best bit is when all the kids from SVH go to lila's pick up party. omg this is so awesome, you have to go single, like even if you are dating someone, and lila prides herself on how many couples break up after one of her pick up parties - WHAT? ok, so liz goes single because she kicked todd to the curb right after she came out of the coma, such something jessica would do, except jessica marries him in the end GAH! DAMN YOU SWEET VALLEY CONFIDENTIAL! right so they are at lila's and guess who starts flirting with liz thinking that she is jess? only BRUCE PATMAN hottest guy on the planet! he gets pretty hot when he realises she is LIZ and not JESS because liz is like the only girl in the world who's been able to resist his charms, oh yeah and they end up together in the end of sweet valley confidential (ruinous) because bruce turns good and jess steals todd from liz. [HEAD EXPLODES].

ugh so where am i? yes ok we're at the party, liz is dancing with bruce and guess what? he gives her ALCOHOL! omg! she takes a swig from his flask behind a tree, and guess what? it's enough to make her pretty much paralytic. he touches her boob and then tries to take her to his HOUSE to do god knows what to her! :-O anyway, todd comes and saves her just moments before she passes out, there's a gal that can't hold her liquor.

next time liz 'aint so lucky, or she is. she goes willingly to bruce's house on the hill because his parents are out of town... while she is waiting in the "master bedroom" for him to bring the wine up she stands up for some reason and GUESS WHAT? she trips over, banging her head on the floor, and would you believe it, she has no memory of anything that has happened since she went into the coma and she is back to her normal boring sensible responsible self and runs straight back into todd's arms.

well, so that's sorted then.

playing with fire #3

so, after reading sweet valley confidential which ignited a fire of flaming, burning hatred for the "writer", "francine pascal" i was somewhat hesitant to continue with my reading of all the sweet valley high books ever written mission. could i ever read about todd again without thinking of him shagging jessica all day under liz's nose? could i ever revive my tween crush on steven now that i know he left his wife cara to bake in the kitchen only to be with aaron? it was a tough decision, but then i looked at all the svh books sitting unread on my bookshelf and decided yes. i paid 70p for those!

actually once i started this one it was fine, and worth way more than 70p. this was pure svh gold my friends. bruce patman love of my svh life stars as jessica's new bf. he is SUCH a jerk to her, making her skip classes, quit cheerleading, make out in the woods even though elizabeth has gone mental, he even gets tries to get her topless in the river! :-O

bruce is so cool with his 1BRUCE1 number plate on his black porsche like seriously. he is the richest and hottest guy on the planet so when jessica gives up her whole life, personality and everything she believes in (cheerleading and new wave outfits) to be with him it's like totally understandable.

liz is less than impressed and when she's not busy trying to follow the droids around (svh's most awesome rockband for those without the know, who have just found a manager who promises them the big time, but actually he is a JERK too and really just wants to get a date with the singer) she is trying to split up jess and bruce by badmouthing him at every opportunity and not really doing much else actually.

but every girl who has ever dated a JERK knows that you can only come to the realisation that you're dating a JERK by yourself no matter how many of your friends tell you that he is a JERK, and jessica does indeed come to  this realisation when she sees BRUCE at the pizza place with a gorgeous redhead. ok stop there, bruce cheats on jessica wakefield - the perfect blonde, tanned cheerleader with a gorgeous pale redhead? 100 POINTS FOR BRUCE! ok cheating is never ok, but it's refreshing to see a blonde get duped for a redhead once in a while.

jessica goes nuts of course and she pours a jug of soda over his head and throws an ENTIRE PIZZA into his face. 10 points for women's lib.

5 stars.

sweet valley confidential - ten years later

on a scale of one to completely horrible this book rates pretty high.

FRANCINE PASCAL WHAT THE HELL?

oh my god. this was awful. 

i'm not actually sure that francine pascal ever wrote any of the other sweet valley high books. this book was written by someone who has clearly no writing ability whatsoever. the grammar is disgraceful, the plot is full of holes, repetitive, strange and basically stupid.

so jessica comes to stay with elizabeth and todd who are about to get married and she spends her days shagging todd while elizabeth goes to work. WHAT? the whole point of SVH was that liz and jess were besties and had this connection that made every teen and pre-teen girl (and some boys) on the planet in the mid-late 80s/early 90s want to be a twin (and blonde and tanned and from california). like as if you would ever do that to your twin. ok so jess did shag todd in sweet valley university, but like, that was once and it was a mistake, and she like learned stuff from it and everything. at the age of 27 "love" is like the most pathetic excuse to shag your twin sister's fiance. 

the whole book is basically about elizabeth shagging random guys in nyc to try and get over todd and the whole thing is like an internal monologue about how each character "feels" about what is going on, and the "journey" elizabeth goes on from being totally destroyed by everyone she cared about to complete forgiveness - even to the point of turning up to jess and todd's wedding as the bridesmaid. WHAT?!!????

the only good thing about this book is bruce patman. bruce was always my favourite svh spunk even though he was such a dick. but it turns out he comes good in the end and is like the nicest guy in sweet valley. SWOON!

regardless, this was TERRIBLE and i am so PISSED about what "francine" has done.

steven is gay and winston dies. now you don't need to read it.

don't read it. 

EVER!

rock star's girl #72

jamie peters is like the hottest most awesomest celebrity on the planet in 1991 and would you believe he has just bought the old kitterby masion just four houses down from lila's place? 

jessica and her cronies begin stalking him by hiding in the bushes by his pool and watching him walking around with his shirt off, when they aren't listening to his new cd that is. yes that's right, lila actually owns a CD PLAYER! jessica refuses to listen to tapes any more and goes to lila's place to listen to the one cd that she owns, which is of course jamie's new album "pride" which, although is a cd is still referred to as having "sides" - retro-gasm! of course listening to anything at lila's is hard these days since she's taken up the MARIMBA and to everyone's surprise is actually pretty good at it. 

meanwhile, liz makes friends with the new girl, andrea slade, who just moved to sweet valley from new york. everyone thinks she's hiding something because she always acts weird about people coming to her house and she won't tell anyone what her father does for a living.

while hiding out in the bushes one afternoon jessica and co see jamie peters AND andrea slade hanging out by the pool. of course the only explanation is that they are LOVERS! so she tells everyone and svh rumour mill madness ensues. 

of course they aren't lovers, svh was never that liberal. it turns out [SPOILER] that jamie is andrea's DAD!

ha ha ha! aren't you all silly? 

actually i thought this was all a bit weird, i mean everyone has the hots for andrea's dad? like if she's 16 he has to be at least like 34 right? pop stars in the early 90s were never that old. 

not the most dramatic work in the series. 

Pretenses #44

steven returns from college because he has allergies - total geek-gasm! we're off to a good start with #44. i will admit that of all the boys from svh i crush on steven the most. not only because i would one day like to marry into the wakefield family (it could still happen), but he's just so darn cute. especially when he has allergies. put that boy in a pair of rayban frames, have him not shave for a week and i'd consider him perfect. 

right, so a whole book about steven's allergies although quite enjoyable for a person like myself apparently required more. so, here we have a plot which is quite boring really, compared to cocaine over doses and being arrested for murder. it's really just about some silly anonymous love letters written to steven on some fancy floral stationary... except that it's HIS DEAD GIRLFRIEND'S stationary. OMG! so steven flips out, and is like - omg what is happening with this stationary? 

little does he know that cara, his alive girlfriend, has been taking relationship advice from jessica, who ps - has never actually really had a boyfriend unless you count sam who like died after their first date or something. jessica is like - your relationship needs more mystery or steven will get bored,  and cara is all like - yeah you are right jessica, because you know SO MUCH about relationships.

meanwhile, back at the wakefield ranch this new chic abbie has turned up to draw comics and be best friends with everyone. everyone likes her until like page 121 when they all go nuts about her trying to steal steven and writing mental letters to him so they kick her out and she's like - i didn't write those letters! SCREW YOU WAKEFIELDS!

blah blah some other stuff happens, everyone finds out that [SPOILER] cara (the alive one) wrote the letters and everyone is like HAHAHAHAH! hugs, makes up and then goes to a lakers game. 

probably only slightly less enjoyable than a whole book on steven's allergies, but for those who are interested it turns out he's allergic to mould, dust and grass.

love letters #17

ok SO not the best sweet valley book i've ever read. pretty boring really. compared to cheerleaders taking overdoses and drownings in france this was pretty tame. ridiculously tame. who wrote this? not francine pascal for sure. i'm assuming that the ghost writer responsible for this fiasco got kicked off the team, or conveniently shot in a hostage situation or drowned in a mysteriously leaking boat in the south of france...


poor caroline pearce, she's got red hair AND she doesn't have a boyfriend, kill yourself! oh finally a svh character i can relate to! WRONG! caroline pearce is an annoying little so and so who ruins everyone lives with her gossip mongering. i can't stand a book with such a stupid protagonist. little caz makes up that she has a boyfriend because no one likes her, and it TOTALLY WORKS! everyone wants to be her friend for like five minutes until everyone realises that she's made him up. but seriously, we've all had boyfriends we've made up, like that's not even that bad. in the end [SPOILER] elizabeth feels sorry for caroline with her red hair and all and so she gets one of todd's mates to pretend to be this guy she made up... of course she like comes clean at the end, because they always do in these american things, but the guy that was pretending to be the guy she made up actually wants to like mack out with her anyway and all the blonde girls are hells jealous. 


so what's the moral of the story? don't make up hot boyfriends or you might end up with a hot boyfriend? oh who's that knocking? oh is that my new hot boyfriend come over with roses and a puppy to take me on a date to france in a helicopter? 

hostage! #26

any book that has an exclamation mark in the title is ok by me. hostage! was pretty awesome. it was like dan brown had gone in a time machine back to 1986 and joined francine pascal's dream team of ghost writers for like a day. i'm assuming it only takes a day to write one, like it's taking me between an hour an half to two hours to read one.


this book was pretty sweet, it was like go-go-go from go to woah. regina morrow used to be deaf right, but then she went to switzerland to get this treatment that like makes her not-deaf any more (what?). and then while she's there she gets kidnapped and taken back to sweet valley because these criminals want her dad's microchip that he developed that is going to forever change the way we use computers (SO dan brown!)!


so jess and liz come up with all these mad schemes that involve delivering groceries in bruce's black porsche (oh yeah, i'm totes crushing on bruce right now) and hiding letters in fashion magazines and jess sluts it up for the criminal's son and kind of has a big crush on him because he looks SO decent in a crop top and short shorts! 


no one wins a prize for guessing that [SPOILER] everyone gets saved in the end, nicholas (hot brother of regina who like randomly makes out with liz in the fiat convertable when hiding from criminals) almost gets shot, but doesn't. the criminals go to jail and the hot son of said criminals is free "yay!" says jessica as she completely forgets about him and starts flirting with randoms at the "free from hostages party" the morrows have thrown at their mansion on the hill. it's like the best party EVER, not only is everyone alive, but like there is a rock band and cocktail franks! 


dan brown could put some more cocktail franks and red convertibles in his books i think.

wrong kind of girl #10

when "easy" annie whitman auditions for the cheerleading squad all hell breaks loose! jessica is like - "i am NOT having EASY annie on my cheerleading squad! everyone will think i'm easy!" the problem is that easy annie is a better cheerleader than jessica, and that makes her even MADDER! jess decides to just sabotage the whole thing and [SPOILER!] basically bribes the other cheerleaders into voting for sandra bacon (NOMS!!) even though she falls on her fat (not really, everyone in sweet valley is a size 6) ass during try-outs.

ok so this is where it gets AWESOME! [TOTAL SPOILER TO THE MAX!] so then annie goes home and TRIES TO KILL HERSELF because - holy shit, if you can't be in the sweet valley high cheerleading squad there is just no point in living!! so she's in hospital and then JESSICA comes in and she's like - OMG easy annie is in a freaking COMA and it's all my fault. so she cries and everyone runs out to comfort her because no one likes to see jess CRY! and they basically leave annie to die. 

[SPOILER] easy annie doesn't die though, because jessica stays up all night with her, and she's like - "annie, you can be in the cheerleading squad if you don't die" and then OH MY GOD annie WAKES UP! 

so easy annie gets on the cheerleading squad after all, her mum breaks up with her dead beat (possible paedo) boyfriend, annie realises that she has other things to live for apart from cheerleading (not really, because like what else is there?) and everyone lives happily ever after! YAY! NEXT!

the arrest #96

this was weird. like hells weird. it was only when i read the page at the end that said it was the second instalment of a "sensational six-part miniseries" that i questioned this decision to read every sweet valley high book ever written - in random order. 


so like liz gets arrested. and jess is pissed because liz like killed sam. so what i think happened (well, what i've deducted from using my mad sleuthing skillz i got from reading non-svh books about women detectives in the 1920s) is that liz and sam went driving after the prom but they were totally wasted because JESS - the mental - spiked their drinks - LOL! it's all fun and games till your BOYFRIEND DIES isn't it jessica?! anyway, jessica decides it's not her fault AT ALL, and thinks that liz should go to jail like FOREVER! it's so not fair that her boyfriend is DEAD and liz's boyfriend isn't! just to make a point she starts dating todd, liz's boyfriend, which is weird because todd is SO BORING. he gets the guilts over missing a CHESS DATE with his mate to suck face with jess on the beach, like who is this "todd" anyway? 


so while all that is happening, LILA is like meeting her mother for the first time since she was 2 and she's all freaking out, and like hello, but isn't lila supposed to be best friends with jessica who's boyfriend just died at the hands of her own twin sister (allegedly) and she spends this whole book working out what to wear to dinner. she's like the WORST best friend EVER! but jess doesn't even notice anyway, she's too grief stricken to do anything but mack out with her sister's boyfriend. OMG TOTAL grief you guys! and anyway, lila's dinner with mum SUCKS because she brings her french "boyfriend" along who is loud and obnoxious, wears a pink suit, has a ponytail, calls everyone darling and has a pearl earring. like, hello? really?


then there is this weird sub plot where this guy is on a tv dating show, and is like going on all these dates with random nut-jobs. like why is this happening? it's kind of obvious really, like HELLO obviously the guy who hosts HUNKS (yeah, that's what's it called) is the guy who KILLED SAM! or something.


and if that's not enough weird shit going on, then MARGOT turns up and she like [TOTAL SPOILER!!!!] MURDERS TWO PEOPLE!! 


like seriously, this book was only 200 pages. i'm like WHAT?


i'm kind of like - i should read these in order if i'm going to do it properly, but that means i have to read like 93 books before i find out what happens next on HUNKS. 

slam book fever #48

everyone's got the FEVER! the SLAM BOOK FEVER! omg! "what the eff is a slam book?" you may ask, well it's basically an excuse to bitch about everyone in BOOKS and make up heaps of crap and mess with everyone's lives! wheeee! 

jess goes nuts over a.j, (the new boy from austin) like she goes seriously nuts. she fancies his pants so hard core that she stuffs up the cheerleading PYRAMID at the basketball game just because he's watching her. poor jess doesn't know what to do, she's so used to treating boys like disposable rain ponchos that she hardly knows what to do when she actually like FALLS IN LOVE with one. 

meanwhile liz is fighting with jeff because she's all paranoid that he's got the hots for olivia, like EW! olivia has FRIZZY HAIR hello, she's so not going to get a hot boyfriend until they invent frizz-ease. but liz starts flirting with a.j to make jeff jealous and like jessica cries in her room a lot but is too distraught to tell anyone what's wrong! 

a.j FINALLY [SPOILER] starts paying attention to jessica and like asks her out on a date because he thinks she is quiet and shy and like reads books. jessica is like - liz help me! i don't know how to READ BOOKS! 

disaster shall ensue fo'sho when a.j finds out that jess is ILLITERATE! :-O 

the new jessica #32

so this one is pretty dramatic. it all starts when jessica gets pissed off because elizabeth's new boyfriend jeffrey confuses the two of them. instead of trying to steal him (well she does later in the book actually) she DYES HER HAIR BLACK like a total pre-emo! everyone thinks she looks amazing and like "european" in her new clothes that she bought at the mall on credit to go with her new hair colour (hey, we all know what it's like to change your hair colour and realise that you can't wear any of your clothes any more!). liz is the only one who's goat has been gotten. she thinks jess dyed her hair black because she didn't want to be a twin any more and she gets all crazy-style and picks fights with jeffrey and pretty much breaks up with him because he said that jess's hair looked nice, and then she's in a panic because she lost her diary at school, like hello elizabeth, why are you writing all your personal thoughts in a diary and taking it to school? lucky your diary is like TOTALLY BORING!


meanwhile, jess joins a modelling agency because now she's an emo and she's stopped eating lunch so she's like totally hot and skinny. [SPOILER!] she doesn't end up getting the job, what happens is that LIZ gets the job because they want someone blonde. jess is absolutely FURIOUS and so she washes her hair like once and all the black dye comes out (i guess hair dye wasn't so advanced in the 80s, because like black over natural blonde?) but it works out perfectly because she can do the modelling gig the next day with her blonde hair pretending to be liz. but then the guy running the fashion show finds out anyway and doesn't really care because he just wanted a hot blonde and that was what he got, but then at the last minute he asks liz to be in the show too but he doesn't pay her! EXTORTION! 


i wish there was more hair dying in sweet valley.

ten years on?

sweet valley confidential has just been released this week. i have mixed feelings about this. do i really want to know what jessica and elizabeth would be doing now? can't i just pretend they lived happily ever after? can't they just be trapped in the 80s for ALL OF ETERNITY? i had decided that i was not going to read it, and ignore all the hype and whatever about the new book, but then i like won a proof copy via the facebook page. the update on my feed was "if you saw jessica and elizabeth walking down the street what would you say to them? best 10 answers win a proof copy!" so i suggested that jessica and i should go drink ourselves into a stupor and leave elizabeth at home. apparently the standard of entries was quite low because i won.  


anyway, check this out, it's francine pascal's HOUSE! OMG! link: francine pascal's house!

spring break - super edition #3

it's amazing how much can happen in just 10 days in france when you're like blonde and american! liz gets followed by a stray dog who belongs to a crazy old countess with a gorgeous grandson who is like uber rich and totally hot. liz is semi-up for it, but she has a crush on rene, her home stay family's son, even though he is a total JERK because he thinks americans are morons. jess meets this not-hot guy, marc who is like so not hot, but he drives a porsche and his parents belong to some like exclusive beach club so jessica befriends him in the hopes that he might have some hotter friends or some richer ones or something.

meanwhile back in sweet valley steven has fallen in love with ferney, rene's sister who is staying with the wakefields. ferney is the spitting image of his girlfriend who just died and he's like hanging out with her all the time which is making cara, his actual girlfriend totally pissed off! 

then back in france again and jessica falls in love with jean-claude (the old crazy countess's grandson) and pretends to be liz so she can make out with him in a boat! and then the boat gets caught in a storm and everyone almost dies!! :-O

seriously, what other book IN THE WORLD can fit this much drama into 200 pages? like none. five stars.

kidnapped by the cult! #82

ok so like jessica starts dressing like a social worker and everyone like freaks out! like she's wearing brown and she starts doing good deeds, like cooking breakfast omg! 

so it turns out that she was so annoyed with sam and having to stand in the mud watching his dirt bike races (even though he is like seriously cute) that she joined a cult. she really only did it because the cult leader was like heaps hot and didn't make her stand in mud AT ALL!! the only way to save jess [SPOILER!] is for liz to dress like a social worker and go round there and sort. it. out. 


this book is hilarious. it's witty and clever, and treads the finest of lines between taking the piss and taking itself to the max. this book took me to the max. i was like laughing hysterically reading it on the tube. people were like - omg what is she reading? where can i get a copy of that fine piece of liter-at-ure?! well, actually you can get it on amazon.co.uk for 1p. OMG! :-O

back in the valley

ok, i'm going to like read (re-read) every sweet valley high book ever written apart from sweet valley twins, because hello i'm not like 12. 

so i'm starting my sweet valley high blog. the first thing i have to do is stop reading other sweet valley high blogs or my opinions may be peer pressurised. i spend most of my time on-line reading sweet valley high blogs so like this is going to be tough, but like, totally worth it right? surely few things in life can satisfy a person more than writing entries in a sweet valley high blog. 

so like, welcome back to sweet valley you guys!